The Woke Liberal sits at home, wearing a “You can’t handle the Ruth” T-shirt while sipping an organic, fair-trade latte from a “Notorious RBG” mug.

Suddenly, the latte spews forth, a comical, movie-like spit saved for the truly shocking moments. The Woke Liberal just couldn’t believe the news article that popped up on the Mac:

“Justice (Brett) Kavanaugh made history by bringing on board an all-female law clerk crew. Thanks to his selections, the court has this term, for the first time ever, more women than men serving as law clerks,” Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said in a speech last week.

How can this be true?

Worldview shattered, he glances out the window, then down at his sandals, and then back at the screen. He carefully sits his mug on a dog-eared and highlighted copy of the Mueller report, the document that was supposed to bring down President Donald Trump but is now just a thick coaster. He wistfully glances out again, staring at the #Resist sticker on his Subaru’s bumper.

Doubts begin to seep in.

Maybe, he thought, angry mobs aren’t the best arbiters of information in this world of ours.

The liberal dials a cousin – Obama’s Pajama Boy – to get a second opinion. He doesn’t answer. Even Pajama Boy got a job and moved out of his parents’ basement in this economy.

The Woke Liberal, worried and alone with his thoughts, quietly ruminates on the world ...

What a dreary day. Well, even if RBG is loving on Kavanaugh (blech!) and Mueller failed to uncover the real evidence about Russian collusion (the truth is still out there!), we can impeach Trump, anyway. He deserves it! And we won the House thanks to the $5 I sent Beto last year, just to achieve this moment of truth.

I think I’ll flip on MSNBC for reassurance and hopefully Rachel Maddow’s dramatic reading of the Emoluments Clause. Oh good, there’s our hero Nancy Pelosi holding a press conference. She’ll get that bastard! This is why I tweeted so much last fall, helping my member of Congress get 87 percent. What say you, Madame Speaker? Oh, I hope she does one of those sarcastic claps like at the State of the Union.

“Do you know that most people think impeachment means you’re out of office? They think, if you get impeached, you’re gone. And that is completely not true. And I may have thought that myself 50 years ago.”

Nancy, what are you doing? Why won’t you impeach Trump?

This is ridiculous. These old Democrats just don’t get it. We need new leadership, like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. I wonder what she’s doing today? Let’s check her Twitter feed. Maybe she’s smacking around Mitch McConnell again. That time she marched over to the office he wasn’t in really hurt him in that backwater he represents with that damn racist song.

What the hell? Why is AOC tweeting about working with Ted Cruz? The literal devil, and she’s co-sponsoring his bills? I hate lobbyists, too, but not enough to make the Zodiac Killer look good.

What. Is. Happening.

Might as well check in on the presidential campaign, I guess. The best way to get rid of the old, white patriarchy that ruined this country is to elect a new president.

CNN has a new poll of the Iowa caucus right here. How can anyone stand to live in Iowa, by the way? Vegetables shouldn’t come from anything larger than a two-acre farm. About time someone like AOC stood up to those global warming cows.

Stay focused. Trust the polls. What? The leading candidates are two white men with a combined age of 153? Are we seriously going to nominate someone older than Trump? When will people learn that old white men have no idea how to manage an economy that works for all of us? Everyone knows Trump is lying about the unemployment rate. No way it’s just 3.6 percent.

  • Phone buzzes

The Woke Liberal snaps out of his fog, glancing at the screen. It’s his friend, Denise, texting an important bulletin.

“Get down here! Alyssa Milano just tweeted about that hillbilly Sarah Sanders having dinner in our town and we need to protest her ASAP!”

He shakes off his doubts and springs into action, snagging the ready-made “Not My President” sign he keeps by the door for such occasions. He drops a gluten-free cat treat into Meow Mao’s bowl.

Surely, tomorrow will bring better news.

– Scott Jennings is a CNN contributor and partner at RunSwitch Public Relations. He can be reached at or @ScottJenningsKY on Twitter.


(1) comment

Le Ecrivain

It's kind of sad that the author spends all that time berating the straw-man woke liberal without the realization that it's pretty sexist and discriminatory to bring an all female law clerk crew. They are celebrating this, while all male crews would be assailed, because apparently the writer of the article is to obtuse to realize pandering to gender at the highest court in the land is pretty crappy.

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