OK. Some of you are no doubt thinking about running for political office this year. In fact, I’ve already seen a couple of announcements in the Daily News. So if you do decide to throw your hat in the ring, here are a few things that you might want to keep in mind, especially if you expect to have a decent shot at getting elected.
First, you need to learn to be vague. Never be specific about anything. If someone asks you about your position on an issue, concentrate on philosophy instead of policy. What are your thoughts on murder? Just say you are against it – in most situations. Don’t start explaining what you would do to prevent it. Nothing good will come of that.
Second, and closely related, never commit to anything. If someone asks you a straightforward yes or no question, the last thing you need to do is give a definitive yes or no answer. Just say it’s complicated. Or you are still thinking about it. Better yet, give a response that has nothing to do with what you were asked.
Third, learn to be all things to all people. This is really the key to getting a lot of folks to vote for you. If you are speaking to a group of evangelicals, for example, make sure you tell them you have always been a Christian. Later, when you are addressing the Knights of Satan, make sure you mention how you have always admired Lucifer.
Finally, learn to ignore criticism. There are a lot of ignorant, judgmental, holier-than-thou wannabes out there. And if you say anything important or relevant, one of these idiots will invariably try to take you to task. Just smile and say thank you for your perspective. Remember, stupid, narrow-minded people vote, too.
Aaron W. Hughey